Is it wrong to eat people? Page 3

  Given that there was no sign of Uncle Mick, Big 032EHM decided that the best course of action was to go to the place that Uncle Mick spent most of his time when he wasn't at the farm, the Rhino and Bagpipe pub.

  It was a short drive to the pub from the farm and they were there in no time.

  As they entered the pub Little could see sitting in one corner, a couple of farmer types, you know galoshes, tweed coats and those little caps. They were playing dominoes and sipping dark brown ale from dimpled mugs. Strangely though their caps seemed to be made of tin foil.

  It wasn't a big bar so it didn't take long to see that Uncle Mick wasn't present. Big 032EHM said "well lets have a seat and wait a while, Uncle Mick might turn up."

  The farmer type gentlemen, who had been sitting in the corner, finished their game of dominoes, picked up their drinks, adjusted their tin foil hats to more rakish angle and came and sat beside the little group.

  "So what you doing around these parts?" asked the taller of the two farmer types.

  "Looking for Mick Dobson," replied Big 032EHM.

  "He's my Uncle," chimed in Little who then went back to staring out the window hoping for something to happen.

  The pub had a window looking out onto the street, which allowed Little a vista of four hundred square yards, plenty of room for an incident.

  Little looked to the left out of the window, and saw nothing interesting, and then he looked to the right out of the window and saw nothing interesting. A minute passed Little looked left, nothing, looked right, nothing. A minute passed Little looked left, nothing, looked right, nothing. Another minute passed Little looked left, nothing, looked right, nothing.

  You may at this point be asking how long does this go on for and rightly you should for it goes on for at least another five minutes. I won't bore you with the details, you probably think I already have, but what I am trying to convey is the atmosphere of uneventfulness, that is how deeply, deeply uneventful looking out that window was, that is until two men walked into the pub and sat down in the shadows. They were wearing dark glasses, dressed in plain very, very dark blue suits, crisp white shirts, simple very, very dark blue ties, and shiny very, very dark blue shoes. With all the very, very dark blue they were wearing you could say they were Men In almost Black.

  Little stared and noticed that one of the men was fingering a shiny chrome gadget.

  Little was about to investigate this when a deep trembling rumble went right through everyone's bones, it sounded as if something huge had just passed over the pub. As it went over almost everyone looked up, which was a pity for if they had of looked down they would have seen the crop circles appear in their beer foam. (I am aware that's these are not technically crop circle as they appears in beer, but beer circles sounds like the mark left on a table when you don't use a coaster.)

  Everyone looked up that is except for the two Men In almost Black who looked at the people looking up.

  "I'm just going to check on Bopi mum I won't be long" shouted Little as he ran past his mother, to see if he could see what had caused the noise. Needless to say she didn't notice as she was engrossed in playing a fruit machine and hadn't paused in feeding the machine.

  Bopi, Little's pet dog was tied outside to a lamppost with another dog, an ancient greying poodle, of the type so beloved of old women with fussy pink perms, the poodle had a small nametag with Gracie written on it. Little looked up and down the street for what could have caused the noise.

  "So did you see the space ship then?" said a small mysterious voice from somewhere near his feet.

  "What," said Little, looking down and only seeing an ancient greying poodle, the dog looked up impassively and said "Hello" quite clearly.

  "You can talk?" said Little.

  "When I've got something to say I can" replied the ancient greying poodle, slowly scratching its ear.

  So Little started to talk to Gracie the poodle. However, old dogs like old people tend to take a long time to get to the point when you are talking to them and often repeat the same story to you over, and often repeat the same story to you over, and often repeat the same story to you over and over again, so it took a while for Gracie to get to that part of the story where she had seen an alien space craft going down the main street. Gracie had not however seen an alien spacecraft going down the street as old dogs like old people have quite bad eyesight and unlike humans don't wear glasses. (Dogs wear contact lenses).

  What Gracie had actually seen going down the road was the number ten red double-decker bus to Doncaster.

  "That's what must have happened to Uncle Mick," shouted Little jumping up excitedly.

  Now you may be wondering how Little made the leap of logic from the incorrect information from Gracie about the UFO to correctly as it happens, deciding that Uncle Mick and the pigs were to be found on the UFO. For as well as talking to dogs Little was also the type of boy to leap to the most exciting possibility when it came to anything.

  He turned to Bopi snapping his fingers, "Aliens!"

  Bopi looked up at him, "Aliens? Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You don't do your homework its aliens. When you broke your mum's favourite statue its aliens. That time we used up eighteen towels in a day you thought that was aliens as well.”

  "You can talk as well!"

  "All dogs can if they want to" smiled Bopi.

  Just then a blinding white light flashed from inside the pub and the two men in almost Black came out and got into a large almost black American built car, which proceeded to drive away at speed.

  "What's going on?" said Gracie

  "I don't know" said Bopi.

  Then without warning all further conversation was stifled by a low and ghastly rumble. Like thunder it rolled forward along the street, lights began to blink on in upstairs windows. Cats began to bark and dogs to whimper.

  The air became still and humid as the sky lit up in a moment of fluorescent anger: a fistful of thunder racketed overhead.

  Somewhere deep within the earth a monstrous force sent great ripples running up the paving stones. Little wanted to run but his knees had turned to jelly. Then a second thunder shook the earth. Looking down Little could see the pavement dance and shatter as the earth rippled like a wave. A tremendous wind came from nowhere and pinned Little and the dogs to the ground. The dogs barked ineffectually, as their voices could not penetrate the roar of the wind. Little stared up in numb horror as the nose of something atrocious cleared the roofline.

  As far as the eye could see a monstrous shape extended, Little pulled the dogs to him as the ground heaved all around. Thunder again shook the earth. The dogs screamed, their sound shrill and terrifying mixed with the thunder as the pavement heated up and the dry grass between the paving stones burst into flames.

  Walls of fire erupt from bloated cylinders on the bottom of the shape, incinerating the roof top pigeons not bright enough to have escaped. Heat wrapped around the huddled three as with a sheet of flame its bulk came into view, bigger than the biggest most implausible turtle, what could only be described as a space ship passed overhead.

  "See I told you, Aliens" shouted Little through the wind and heat.

  " " said Gracie

  " " replied Bopi their voices were completely drown out by the overwhelming sound.

  Chapter 4.

  The spaceship stalled for a few moments in its flight, almost as if checking for directions, before accelerating with a sort of twonging sound and was gone. The gigantic bulk moved so incredible fast that the noise and heat were sucked away in a momentary vacuum.

  Around Little doors banged open and heads popped out through windows as the residents of the street slowly filtered out to see what all the commotion was about. Little looked to the skies and wondered the same thing.

  What it was all about was that the aliens had captured Uncle Mick and his performing pigs because Uncle Mick's farm was the biggest producer of green house goodies in the whole country and produced the
best crops. Now before I tell you what a green house goodie is I have to tell you that Uncle Mick and his performing pigs have only 1:56:45 or one hour and fifty-six minutes and forty five seconds left to live.

  Now a green house goodie is an amazing vegetable and one you may never have heard of because it is the only vegetable in the whole world that actually tastes good. No matter if you eat it raw, or cook it or boil it or steam it or poach it, it will taste fantastic. Now the reason you don't know about the green house goodie is because parents and older people consume three-fourths of the green house goodies produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out. They keep the green house goodies as a secret because it tastes so good and to let children eat them would undermine the principles of using vegetables as punishment. I for one never ate vegetables as a child, only chocolate and sweets and crisps, and it is only a coincidence that my growth was stunted, my teeth all rotted away, and I smell funny.

  So how can you taste a green house goodie, well I'll tell you later about where you can buy one.

  The aliens knew about the green house goodies, but Little didn't and that was because Little was not a parent or indeed an older person. What Little guessed was that there was something about Uncle Mick and his performing pigs that had attracted the aliens to kidnap him and his performing pigs and that the secret to this could most probably be found on Vaudeville farm.

  So keeping this in mind Little decided to go back to Vaudeville farm to see what he could discover. Fortunately for Little Vaudeville farm was a very short distance from the pub so it was easy for Little, tell his parents who were engrossed in the fruit machines that he was taking Bopi for a walk, say good bye to Gracie who had to wait for her owner and said she would have come for an adventure if her knee wasn't giving her gyp, and leave for Vaudeville farm.

  If you are wondering Uncle Mick and the pigs now have

  1:54:52 left to live.

  It took twenty-seven minutes for Little to walk to Vaudeville farm as Bopi the pug dog kept stopping to sniff everything as dogs often do.

  When Little finally arrived at the farms rusting iron gate his first impression was one of crushing stillness and desolation, as though he had happened on some lone deserted homestead long given over to owls and cobwebs; rather than the friendly farm with cheerful animals that he remembered it to be.

  What he noticed in the fading light was that there was a strange green glow emanating, a fancy way of saying coming, from behind one of Vaudeville Farms big barns. Little had never been allowed wander around the farm all by himself before and so this was the first time that he had been behind Vaudeville Farms big barns.

  The glow was coming from a massive green house, and indeed with the green glow coming from within it, made it a very green, green house. Inside as you might have guessed were the green house goodies, glowing very brightly.

  The thing about green house goodies is they can only be harvested in the dark and on a Tuesday. If you harvested them on a Wednesday or indeed any day that wasn't a Tuesday they would taste simply horrible and if you picked one and tried to eat it and it hadn't been picked after dark when it was glowing its brightest then not only does the green house goodie taste horrible it also makes your teeth turn purple and you hair fall out. As it happens today was a Tuesday and it was also just after dark.

  In case you are keeping track Uncle Mick and his amazing, spellbinding, totally fantastic performing pigs have

  1: 22: 27 left to live.

  It was now that it started raining and not the usual steady pattering of soft drops; big fat drops fell as thin fingers of lightning spread out across the heavy underside of the great clouds. Little ran for shelter finding some in the lee of a barn as the clouds broke into a heavy downpour, which rained as if it was intentioned on beating the entire world into submission. The wind howled. Lightning stabbed at the earth erratically, thunder rolled back and forth.

  Snow, thick and wet, tumbled through the aetheric.

  The wind howled again. The storm crackled. Lightning prodded.

  It was then that Little heard the noise he had heard in the pub. As he stood beside the green house goodie green house there was the same terrible thumping inside his head and his brain felt like it was being shaken about.

  As Little looked up he could see the space ship as it came through the cloud layer. The space ship was long and sleek but was dripping horrible brown goo in a most disturbing way. As the space ship came down just above the green house Little looked up and could see in one of the small windows his Uncle Mick and ten very frightened looking performing pigs. "Ah ha" shouted Little to Bopi "I can see Uncle Mick". Bopi wasn't interested as he was to busy trying to wiggle behind Little to get shelter.

  You may imagine at this point Little jumped onto the space ship as it landed broke his way inside through a strangely easy to open panel, fought the fierce guards that surrounded his Uncle and the pigs and rescued them and became a hero. Well that was exactly what he didn't do. Little decided that the best thing was to go back behind the barn and wait to see what happened. It was as well he did this as the space ship lowered a ray gun from the side.

  The ray pulsed a green light, the pulse got bigger and bigger until it was almost blinding before it stopped, as Little's eyesight started to clear the ray pulsed again before a massively bright ray of light flooded from it hitting the green house.

  The green house didn't seem affected for the first few seconds then it simply exploded and pieces of glass flew everywhere, if Little had of stayed where he was he would have been cut to pieces by the flying glass. Seconds later a green beam of light came from the same ray gun and sucked up all the brightly glowing green house goodies. The space ship then rocked back up into the stratosphere and on back into space. Leaving Little standing with his mouth open still at a loss as to what to do about his Uncle Mick's and the pigs kidnapping.

  Oh yea Uncle Mick and his performing pigs now have 1: 20: 12 to live.

  Chapter 5.

  It was a slow trudge for Little as he walked back to the pub; he knew he couldn't tell his parents what had happened, as they would never believe him. They would just say “What an imagination the child has” if they were in a good mood, or “don't tell stories!” if they weren't, especially after the incident with the zombies. As he entered the pub Little was surprised to see his sister and her babysitter Miss Esmeralda.

  Esmeralda was there to do her palm reading and séances in her abode of mysterious incantations and wonders, which was in reality a small shed at the back of the pub.

  "So what's been happening with you young man?" Esmeralda asked when Little approached.

  "Well," replied Little and told her the whole story. The things he couldn't tell his parents he could easily tell Miss Esmeralda as she was always saying how things were occult and the like.

  "Sounds a bit occult," said Madame Esmeralda.

  "Well I'll tell you what to do, I know of just your man, used to be an astronaut from Wales" she continued.

  "There aren't any Welsh astronauts" replied Little reasonably.

  "He was unofficial like, built a rocket in his backyard and everything he did. Always tinkering in his shed he was, he used to come and visit when he was lonely like and wanted someone to tinker with.' A slow smile spread over her face, "quite a man, he was as mad as a brush but he had very nimble hands."

  Inside the shed Little and Wash and wax saw Esmeralda's official fortune telling paraphernalia, it cluttered every flat surface.

  Esmeralda drew the curtains, lit a couple of candles for atmosphere and sat down, after moving an enchanted walnut, two mystic pot plants and a variety of Tarot decks from her seat.

  "Now, we've got to 'old 'ands.'

  Wash and wax made 'this is silly' faces at little.

  "Join hands" said Esmeralda firmly.

  They sat in the semi-darkness. Then Little felt Esmeralda's hand being pulled away.

  'Oi forgot about the glass,' she said.

  There was a glugg
ing noise from the sideboard. Esmeralda put a full glass on the tablecloth and sat down again.

  "Talking to the other side does me nerves no good at all” and tipped the glass down her throat she smiled and gave Little a knowing wink then refilled the glass.

  They all held hands again.

  'Now,' she said very quietly, 'Please concentrate.' With fluttering lids she closed her eyes, grabbed the arm of the chair and threw back her head.

  'Ahhhtishoo!'

  She sneezed, releasing a shower of dandruff and making Little and Wash and wax jump. Esmeralda gripped their hands tighter and again closing her eyes "Oh spirit of the dead be my guide and find me the spirit of Ronny Jones late of 10 Park side Avenue lower east end."

  Nothing happened.

  Little and Wash and wax risked opening their eyes and looked at each other. Esmeralda still had her eyes tightly shut and was looking up, lines of tension all over her face.

  Eventually Esmeralda said, "All right, Ronny, oi knows you're there."

  Again nothing.

  Then there was a bump and the glass on the table moved, the amber liquid inside sloshed gently.

  "You did that," said Wash and wax "I saw your leg move"

  "No nothing of the kind chicken, it was the spirit world" said Miss Esmeralda and gave her a pat on the head "Now shush you and close your eyes," she said a bit sharper.

  'I have two kiddies here of the best of character who wants to ask you a question Ronnie," said Esmeralda.

  Another minute passed. Again nothing

  Then the table moved.

  This time it was Viking, Esmeralda's cat brushing against the wonky legs of the table, on its way out the cat door to escape the silent but deadly fart it had just laid.

  Suddenly Esmeralda went limp, and then stiffened like rigor mortis. “Is there anybody there?” she moaned.

  “I am,” said Wash and wax.

  Esmeralda scowled but didn't open her eyes and tried again. “Ohh, is anybody there in the beyond?” moaned Esmeralda. Her words hung in the air; she took a deep asthmatic breath. Suddenly she stiffened. “I have somebody,” she intoned.